Who Can Start the Fires?

Why are you crying? I’ve been thinking about you all day. I’ve been dying to be home with you. Laying on the couch, my hands all over you. Running my fingers through your hair. I’ve been daydreaming of keeping you warm.

I stare at it all day and acknowledge what needs to be done but never do it. It’s sickening but I try my best not to indulge in those tendencies. I do my best to do my work–to do anything. Concerted effort and mindfulness. The only way I’m gonna get better is by sticking it to myself. There are so many behaviors left to unlearn. I’m ready to take back control.

When we kiss I feel your smile pressed against my teeth. Your arms draped over me. A locked stare in cool autumn air. Good morning. When we kiss I taste the salt of my skin on your lips. And it’s warm inside my chest and my mind when you’re close. My heart melts when the sun casts over you. The light paints shapes across your body in our bed in the morning. When counting moments in perfectly aligned heartbeats, my chest–it feels so full. Enlightened. It’s become so clear. I’m elated. A glimpse of joy. This is all from you. This is all for you. Caught me counting moments in perfectly aligned heartbeats in the morning.

I don’t mind if you can’t hear me telling you that I love you behind the white noise of our shower. It’s more about the necessary endless declaration of affection. I’m singing into the void.

Hey! You’re always keeping me down and I’m tired of it. You say that I don’t deserve much. Nothing’s ever good enough. You’re hell bent on making me starve. Hey! You’re always keeping me down and I won’t stand for it anymore. Who’s the one who does the labor? Who’s the one who pays the rent? Who pays for your luxury car that I’ll take the luxury of smashing? Who’s the one that knows what window to throw the brick through to cause the most damage? Who can start the fires?

Just as everybody’s getting comfortable, things have got to change. Life will stir things up. We need to be okay with decisions that we make. I’m always feeling like I don’t want things to change but it’s usually for the better. I’ve come to welcome change in everything except for the weather. I would embrace infinitely sunny days and sweltering humid nights. Dreary gray days flushed with rain are way too prevalent. And the midwest lacks some of the variance but I’m sure I’ll eventually miss it.

Clouded by hubris. Under the veil of dreams, frustrations arise as a plea to stay unbothered and unworried. You’d do anything to remain unchanged. A vulgar display of feigned ignorance. A world clouded by hubris. I’d be naive to believe the lotus eaters, too consumed in luxury and dopamine fixes. As they pretend not to see or care about all these problems or perceive the world’s material conditions.

Why would I ever be proud to be from a country whose hatred is so loud? To exist next to people blindly following orders. Orders that lead to grave atrocities. Use of violence as the requisite to repeat our history. We live in a state of lavish politics that uphold fascists. Endless wars in far off places. Automation makes the killers faceless. Rampant chauvinistic racism pinned as manifest destiny. Conditions of mass incarceration. Newly pardoned endemic. And voting won’t make these fascists go away. Brainwashed to think violence is the only way. Destruction of schools. Construction of prisons. Tighten their grip, it’s death by constriction. It's a thirst for authority; desired control. Inflected talking points, dog whistle to chokehold. Why would I ever be proud to be from a country whose hatred is so loud? Reprogrammed to dehumanize, force fed propaganda and lies.

Why do you feel attacked when presented with the idea that it’s wrong to be hateful? What caused your identity to be so heavily rooted in kicking down that the simple notion of equality sounds like a threat against your personhood? Is it apparent how you’re part of it? All the ways you align in the struggle. Can you come to terms with it? Pull the thread! Watch your perceptions unravel. You can’t see things the same anymore. The domination is so apparent. I know it hurts to realize you’ve been part of the problem. This is a chance to take the steps so that we can make things right. You’re part of the problem.

As you chase the sun over the horizon, you'll meet your new moon out west. These constellations, they align pointing down on you. While the stars mean nothing to me, they mean the whole world to you. Good luck in New Mexico. Thanks for visiting me in Ohio and taking pictures while they play baseball on that long, hot, spring day. And I will always cherish you and the times we get to spend together. I only see you when it's beautiful outside like back in August in the mountains of New England. Or when we're down in paradise; Florida's always on my mind.

It's disappointing that you swallow all of these theories and now you choose to ignore your powers. It's selfish and wrong. Do you recall when you believed in love? Could you feel it was taken from you? Now you've become a shell of a shell who'll doom scroll until the end of the world. I feel like I can't talk to you anymore since we placed our bets on it never getting better. Is another better world still possible If we place our bets on it never getting better? Eyes glazed over, unable to see. The world you knew stares back showing a reflection of hell. Yesteryears stay with me. Before your mind was squandered by grifters. Portal fueled Delusions of Grandeur. Doom scroll like it's the end of the world. Remember when you thought the world could change? Now you're convinced that the world is out to get you. Look away so that you can't see the cave-in. You'll doom scroll through the end of the world.

I’m always thinking about: your new short haircut; the way the tips of your hair kiss the collar of your blue denim jacket; the way you try so hard to be your best. Now I’m convinced that you’re the best person I’ll ever meet.