Pressed Petals

I wanted to reach out To reconcile Make sense of old wreckage And maybe smile You damaged me more deeply Than you will ever know Please know I forgave you Years and years ago Codependent, trapped in a cycle, weaponized proximity Panic attacks if I went outside, terminal anxiety Cutting ourselves in separate rooms, a spiteful secrecy Escalation permanent, I was fractured by my grief Wounded, wounding, gaslit, fuming yet everything to me Worn down by the longest years, haunted by memory I wanted to thank you, my first love You gave me makeup and your dresses And saw what my heart confesses Long, long before I ever saw myself Doors you unlocked I wouldn’t walk through It took ten years to start anew A chrysalis in vernal bloom Melora wanted to meet you I know that you’re gone now And it hasn’t been long Died last April God it feels so fucking wrong And I loved you, and I missed you Years and fucking years I fucking missed you I hope you liked who you’d become And found a name that felt like home I hope you broke the cycle (repeat many times) I will lay pressed petals on your grave conjure up yr old jacket I knew I should have saved a thing of bleach and cigarettes of misspent youth and cold regrets lovelorn storms and subway horns and late nights lost yet still reborn of stolen scalpels, drying blood of pent emotions spent in flood of black metal hearts screaming a love undying, eternal, and fucking infernal undying eternal and fucking infernal of a psych ward, of a suburb, of a graveyard, of a city a hospital bed of broken hearts and broken poems and vampires you invited home holding close for greater pain, far too much for me to remain of central park in autumn dusk of Folsom East and broken trust of black fishnets and combat boots and bad ideas and worse pursuits genderqueer and full of fear I fucking wish you were still here I fucking wish you were still here I fucking wish you were still here I fucking wish you were still here between silence and glibness there’s acceptance and forgiveness all questions, forever unresolved, in the face of everything dissolved, in the face of everything dissolved in the face of everything dissolved in the face of everything dissolved in the face of everything dissol-