Deathbed

Brightly burning; an essence of joy. Humor bled through the teeth of your spirit. The laughter of Psalms poured into your shadow. Reserve bled through the teeth of your spirit. There was a small barn cowering away from the sun under elder trees. There was a path forged through the budding grass. You found God in that house. You found peace in its rooms. Disease stole the joy from your brow. Disease stole the days you held dear and clouded them with dirt. When the plaque came, we stole you away from those trees you read gospels beneath. I was too much of a coward to admit to myself that I knew you were dying. I was too much of a coward to be there for you when I knew you were dying.

Everything I love has been taken from me. The angels that surround my deathbed look more like strangers than saints.

You collected relics that enraptured light into the world. That plastic now sits behind glass, caked in dust while your light dims. Your mind wilted as each season passed. Each waking morning must have felt like a new death. Traded your home for walls to keep you safe; we said its for the best. It's always for the best. And sometimes in between blank stares I came to know, you whimpered, "Take me home. I'm coming home." Flower arrangements were planned. I wish you could remember my name. No one was brave enough to untangle the knots with you day after day. Day after day. Your mind wilted as each season passed. Each waking morning must have felt like a new death. Until those new deaths became a blurry image. They said you'll be in peace, always be in peace. The only words the pastor spoke that I kept in my heart. Now you'll come home. "I'm coming home." You would have felt sorry for someone in your condition. Your heart would pour out prayers that they would find peace.

Shielded from God, I can do nothing as my memories fade. Everything is blurring to a hazy shade of gray and bleeding from my eyes. Lord, bless my soul as the rotting swallows my limbs and chews my mind to pulp. It will not matter once I forget the ones whom I loved who nurse me as their patient. There is nothing that anyone could do.

Not much time passed before we were chanting waiting room prayers. We begged the heavens to have mercy on your soul. No one had the courage to sing songs of joy. No one had the courage to sing songs of praise. If we had your heart, we'd sing of streets of gold and golden bells. I felt sorry that I felt sorry for myself. You didn't die all alone. Cloudy shapes of loved ones surround the room. You left the world the way you lived. Surrounded by family, loved and assured. You didn't die all alone. Cloudy eyes of loved ones surround the room. You left the world the way you lived. Surrounded by family, loved and at peace.