The Want

Oh boy, oh yes. I can die happy, I can finally rest. The kids will all see, the kids will all hear the dark, perverted thoughts I keep between my white ears. And the band that plays next will get to make a joke about our awkward set, so that's great! It was all for you, and I named it "Captain Jazz" so I'd get sued. And so you'd click. And pretend. "Oh, I heard of them, yeah! But I don't know if I listened." "I watched the music video, it was sort of cliché..." "They sound like 'Michael Cera Palin' in a screamy sort of way!" Well, I can talk to angels, and I see through time. I'm as powerful as god, at least for tonight. When we're spinning and shaking, I'm drunk and it's dark. With pierced rose legs and hockey stick arms. Three old TVs and a 96 Dodge parked in a row in a burning down garage AND IM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flirting with the idea constantly, a wink of light in an ocean painted muddy black. To sink to the bottom and not come back, to dredge up her treasures and then sink again. No more fingers, but still palming at the mud. Dig deeper down and create a brand new spacious apartment in a scenic downtown location. Who wants to play Catch the Idol? To sit and be still and stare at the sun until she kisses you on the other side of her world? "There's more water here, I promise. You'll never be thirsty again."

I never want to be sober again, I want to stumble through the hall and scream at posters. Teen Suicide? THAT HIPSTER THAT DATES KITTY PRIDE?? She reblogged me once! Does that count for anything? I was somebody for a moment! But it all went away and I just keep clawing at the empties trying to crawl back up the mountain. To a peak made of candles and light and sweet honey from Deer and Acorn. To break the branch in my palms and watch the fire burn. "Wait, wasn't this song about Le Scene™?" No, not really but that's ok. I feel fine about it! ~ To break to age to find a truth that don't go away To burn alive to wait for another dream tonight To build to crave to skip the parts of boredom and weight To hold to lose I can't even tell if that's you The Want. The Need. The Hunger. To own everything. The Want, that's all there is, and that's all there's ever been.

All I've ever been is running in circles again and again. There's messages and codes and secrets and notes from god's mouth to my tongue, and he speak through me. There's a church where I was born kissed with snow, and the pews are worn. He looks down just to ME, and through the paint, I swear I hear him speak. He says "Douglas, "I know you're hurting. "I know the pain. "I know the burden. "It's all for a reason, "there's a purpose. "The gates aren't closed, "and you aren't worthless."

If you had stayed, I would have broken every promise I ever made. Become a victim anew, and blamed all my lies onto you. I'm an anchor, a weight, there's not truth in what I say. I just sink. How could I go back, just once? Back home, in a dream, a bright dream? You're there, you're there, you were always there just waiting. I refused to open my eyes, and I'm sorry.

Two Oh One Five, a cataract. If I had one glock more than the just married kind, I'd be shooting my way to the other side. Where there's fruit plates, free drinks, and camel lights. So I could smoke up, get high for the rest of my life. They'd all clap, all sing my words for me so I could pose hard, World Is, cover of AP. But I'm dying, too old, rotting away and it's cringe-pilled, copium. There's poison in my brain. I just want to fire up my truck but it's a cube in a pile of scrap iron, old tires, and there's nothing left for me. Just safe car, coffee, get to work early. I sit there, think of all the things I've seen all the good times and good friends who I respect a lot! If I see you ever there's a present going into your hands, our hands, brothers again! Like we're made for Heaven or a 12 pack of prism light beams. Amber, ichor, and what the fuck do I see but a true fear. Mirror. That shows me a scene of a Holiday Inn just evaporating. I'm never singing another lullaby for you zoomers ever again, and if I do I'm held under duress or so desperate I might as well be covering Stranger Things Running Up That Hill Emo Version Youtube High Quality TikTok dances to American Football LP3, Dikembe Twitch streams, I wish it was over. I wish it was 2015. I wish I was in the Get Rad Last.fm group shitposting.

Less gold, more roan There's more angels in this room than I'll ever know Two feet above empties and cables and smoke She already knows Less gold, more roan Like the scars and mistakes that are hid by my clothes There's no way to say I'm sorry, so can I just be alone? She already knows ~ Riddles and postcards addressed to my old home Lining the yard, a blankey of snow I was too young to see, to angry to know There were angels there waiting Wings and eyes all staring at me, Hoping I'd fall down where I'm supposed to be Tucked in the grass, silently sleeping There were angels there waiting

It was always out of spite, every action I take Throwing up all my food and leering at my neighbors plate Like a virus, a disease, a flowchart for a brain Is this how I really feel? Or is it a learned response to pain? I haven't told anyone this, but I'm having a really good day The sun's shining outside, and not a chance of rain Grass brushing my ankles, and feeling so good Breathing in that good ol' oxygen, and praising God because I should! I type "peace" into the address bar, and it loads that page right up! It's a picture of where I am, what excellent wonderful luck! You're staring out at a cargo ship, there's no one there but you and me A bird sings "Yo Soy Milk", the waves lick the sand like it's sweet. The clouds gather too, a cyclone like a man And I see who it is, and who I've always been "You wanted the songs more than all that god could give, "and you wanted the silence until you got sick of it." Well, I have everything I want. I want what everyone has. I am the Grabbler, the Prize Boy. I am fucking Captain Jazz.