Lo, and I Am Burning

Cleanse my soul Purify my heart Leave no trace Of what is displeasing to you Leave no trace Burn it out Put me to the fire It seems that there’ll be nothing left For I am burning I am burning You’ve put me on the coals Pull the impurities out Will there be nothing left For I am burning You put me in the fire Cleanse my soul You’ve put me to the fire And I am burning Leave no trace Burn it out Put me to the fire It seems that there’ll be nothing left For I am burning I am burning You put me in the fire Cleanse my soul You’ve put me to the fire And I am burning I am burning

Every day I feel more fucked Than the day before but Jesus saves. Every Day We stray Farther from God’s light. We are all God’s fault. He put us here If everything Is from God Then what of our sin? He gave us The choice Then took the blame He is the Only One That I'm still here for. Everything is fucked, But Jesus saves

Clawing at my mind with greasy black fingers Breathing brimstone into my lungs Making a place for hell in my heart Whispering just what I want to hear Leading me where I want to go I make it so easy The sin is already there I make it so easy I was born With the putridity In my soul The lie you tell Is what I want Is what I need. In the darkest moments of my life you were there for me. I cannot tell Your voice from mine Because I’m sick. Born into this world Ravaged with disease This curse is mine. Every day I claim it as my own. I'm not the one who started this decay but I daily make it my own. This curse is mine Satan is alive, and he’s coming for you. He comes to steal, Kill, and destroy to keep you from God. You are convinced That he wants you. He does. He wants to rape your soul. A bearer of light, He brings darkness To cloud your vision. You see him As the god Of knowledge, But he is the master of deception. O, Lucifer Get behind me I belong not to you. Old Serpent, Place your head Beneath my heel.

Is it so wrong to think? If to be absent the body Is to be with God, Can I just take my life? I want to die. Hide me beneath your wings. I want to die. I’ll fly away. Oh, glory, I want to die.

God, its so hard to see Your plan on days like today. Its hard to stand for the least of these when the people who claim Your name are the ones against them. Were you not lost? Were you not once dead? Were you not blind? Were you cursed in sin? You are not the god of hatred You are not the god of hatred You are not the god of hatred You are not the god of hatred Why are the people carrying your name The ones acting in hatred. Walk in grace. The healthy do not need to be healed Forgiveness is not for the blameless Have you forgotten? We’re called to love Have you forgotten? All have sinned. We are to clothe the naked. We are to welcome the outcast. We are to love the unloved: To give hope to the hopeless To those who extend grace Much grace will be given. Keep His name out of your mouth. He is not the God of hatred. You are not doing His work. You do not speak for Him, And on your last day He will not speak for you.

Burn me alive. Set this vile Body aflame. We don't always get what we deserve in death. So burn me alive. Burn me alive. Place your heart Before God. Find the shit. Burn it out. I am constantly crushed Under the weight of My own failure. My existence Is a blasphemy Strike me from the record. Wipe my foot prints From the earth. Burn these flapping lips, this hateful tongue, These blackened lungs, This poisoned liver, This clogged heart, These thieving fingers, These clenched fists, Cowardly feet, And whoring dick. I am a plague To this world. Every touch brings misery. Every breath is a curse. Let no memory of me remain. May it be so. Place your heart Before God. Find the shit. Burn it out. Reveal Your face that I May finally be damned. I will call down my dark And my cold and be damned.

To G&D: There are so many things I wished the courage to say. 29 years, I have been silent. 29 years, I’ve tried to forgive. Much of what was done My mind won’t let me remember. Much of what was done I will never forget. I’ve struggled to come to terms With the fact that I was abused. My mind, my body, my soul: You violated me in every way. You passed your curse to me. I am a failure. I am not a man. I will never be loved. I will never find grace. I will never be better. I will always be nothing. I ruined your life. I should never have been born. You were to Teach me to love. You showed me how To grow hate in my heart. You were to Inspire hope within me. Through you, I came to know despair. You were to help me grow strong. You exploited my Every weakness. You were to Show me the path To walk in faith. Every word and action was hypocrisy. You never wanted to be my father and mother. I never wanted to be your son. I will never tell, But you should already know.

To Lois Faye Thieler: My dearest heart: I don't want to know what it’s like To live in a world that Doesn't have you intervening for it. I don't want to Live a life That isn't covered By your prayers. My whole life, You have been Before your Creator Speaking on my behalf. What kind of life will I lead? What kind of man will I become? Where would I have been if "life had happened", Or you were too tired or too angry To daily get on your knees and cry out for me? I am the man I am because of you. All the good in me was from you. I learned how to live a life of grace and love Because of who you were. Who you were. You taught me how to love my neighbor and love our God. You pulled me from darkness and bathed me in light. You were the brightest flame in my life. Your strength seemed limitless. your joy infectious. Who can take your place? What will this world be? What kind of life will I lead? What kind of man will I become? Where would I have been if "life had happened", Or you were too tired or too angry To daily get on your knees and cry out for me? I am the man I am because of you. All the good in me was from you. Through you I learned how to live a life of grace and love.

I’ve failed you Every single day. I daily nail you To that tree. When I try to do What I want to What I know I should I don’t. When I try to do What I don’t want to What I shouldn’t I do. I claim your name In the same breath I curse it. I beg forgiveness While plotting my sin. I carve your words And face into my arms While the devil Is carving out His place in my heart. I could say The devil made me do it, But I called Lucifer in. You stand at my door and knock, But Satan is already here. Faye looks down Kneeling at the feet Of her Savior Watching the boy she spent A lifetime praying for Wallow in his own filth Watching her hopes undone Hearing me twist Her prayers to blasphemy. You lived on your knees To give me strength to stand, But this life is my own. These choices were mine. You haven’t failed me. I’ve failed you both. This body’s unclean. This body is weak.