Haunted World Of Mirrors

I wanted to reach out To reconcile Make sense of old wreckage And maybe smile You damaged me more deeply Than you will ever know Please know I forgave you Years and years ago Codependent, trapped in a cycle, weaponized proximity Panic attacks if I went outside, terminal anxiety Cutting ourselves in separate rooms, a spiteful secrecy Escalation permanent, I was fractured by my grief Wounded, wounding, gaslit, fuming yet everything to me Worn down by the longest years, haunted by memory I wanted to thank you, my first love You gave me makeup and your dresses And saw what my heart confesses Long, long before I ever saw myself Doors you unlocked I wouldn’t walk through It took ten years to start anew A chrysalis in vernal bloom Melora wanted to meet you I know that you’re gone now And it hasn’t been long Died last April God it feels so fucking wrong And I loved you, and I missed you Years and fucking years I fucking missed you (I hope you liked who you’d become and found a name that felt like home) I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle, I hope you broke the cycle once and for all I will lay pressed petals on your grave conjure up yr old jacket I knew I should have saved a thing of bleach and cigarettes of misspent youth and cold regrets lovelorn storms and subway horns and late nights lost yet still reborn of stolen scalpels, drying blood of pent emotions spent in flood of black metal hearts screaming a love undying, eternal, and fucking infernal undying eternal and fucking infernal of a psych ward, of a suburb, of a graveyard, of a city a hospital bed of broken hearts and broken poems and vampires you invited home holding close for greater pain, far too much for me to remain of Central Park in autumn dusk of Folsom East and broken trust of black fishnets and combat boots and bad ideas and worse pursuits genderqueer and full of fear I fucking wish you were still here I fucking wish you were still here I fucking wish you were still here I fucking wish you were still here between silence and glibness there’s acceptance and forgiveness all questions forever unresolved in the face of everything dissolved in the face of everything dissolved in the face of everything dissolved in the face of everything dissolved in the face of

there is a graveyard, there is a city there is a graveyard, there is a city there is a graveyard, there is a city there is a graveyard, there is a city there is a graveyard, there is a city there is a graveyard, there is a city less repose and more riposte, these restless dreams recur your ghost resides inside my head who knows what will occur before waking in my bed feeling worse than fucking cursed a psychic spiral, a stolen hearse the extirpated rage of a formative age now the figurants are forming at the center of the stage desperate kiss in the summertime rain like laments in hot pursuit of an unsuitable pain our blasted hellscape, our desolated place an echo of a fragment of a memory erased toss and turn, half awake and half undead again and again, you hear the things you left unsaid subconscious process without rest, you will never understand (you will never) what lies around the corner in a haunted world of mirrors the inexorable the inexplicable the unpredictable lost in the hallways, guideless and vast a reflection a refraction a retraction new distortions of an abandoned past recurring dreams of memory and despair (nothing's left, there's nothing to repair) mournful waking in the mirror-world (of shattered glass, I am a haunted girl) recurring dreams of memory and despair (nothing's left, there's nothing to repair) mournful waking in the mirror-world (of shattered glass, I am a haunted girl) toss and turn, half awake and half undead again and again, you hear the things you left unsaid subconscious process without rest, you will never understand (you will never) what lies around the corner in a haunted world of

is it permissible to want what I want, to feel the things that I feel? a splinter spiderwebs red cracks (into/across) my screen I saw you in a recent dream comparing the photos of our future autopsies in a miracle of motion unbound by sound sprawling bliss midwinter burns me to the ground wrap your hands around my throat pull me closer ‘til I fucking choke I don’t know what the future holds but for a moment I don’t feel so cold yearnware megaplex my factory defects instantiating when your signal connects I don’t know what the future holds but for a moment I don’t feel so cold lustvomit limerence, a grin and a pause a slap in my face that fucking feels like applause I was built to be destroyed anew and wrapped in bloody gauze so fucking destroy me, please fucking destroy me I trace the impact wounds left by your fingertips drink deep the depths of your eyes, drink deeper your kiss a splinter driven deeper, oh, driven deeper a splinter driven deeper, oh, driven deeper than I can bear shatter into desperation I can take the pain but it’s the need that drives me mad (and so I crave yr killing blow) and when you do I hope it hurts I want to bear your perfect scar I want to bask in light corrosive I want to crash this fucking car I am the insatiable malfunctioning machine, and everything I whisper to you I fucking wish that I could scream I would crash this car again, just to burn in the wreckage with you glass and metal enmeshed in flesh, our bodies as one in a final caress we deserve one so much softer and I wish that it lasted longer everything that is and could never be rips me limb from limb just to live in my debris and I would give it all to you, if it won’t destroy what is yours exorcist or the autophage, arterial blood blacks out the page but we know that it was written, and we know that it was good only an impulse, only a moment, but I would stay forever if I only could only an impulse, only a moment, but I would stay forever if I only could only an impulse, only a moment only an impulse, only a moment I would stay forever I would stay forever I would stay forever if I only fucking could

stick yr sharpest teeth in me and bite down hard I want to bleed again existentially adrift, all pissed and listless persistent emptiness with a keening insistence another late night horror, another Halloween yr beauty screams like a Cenobite scene, oh darling won’t you skewer me? dreams of girlfangs, dreams of girlfags, dreams of ghoulfags, dreams of ghoulfangs dreams of girlfangs, dreams of girlfags, dreams of ghoulfags, dreams of ghoulfangs dreams of girlfangs, dreams of girlfags, dreams of ghoulfags, dreams of ghoulfangs dreams of girlfangs, dreams of girlfags, dreams of ghoulfags, dreams of ghoulfangs dreams of girlfangs, dreams of girlfags, dreams of ghoulfags, dreams of ghoulfangs get out of yr head and dance with the dead I’m the exquisite corpse plaything in your bed a gleeful object reciprocating lust I will let you break my holes but I won’t let you break my trust cataclysm spills a clitorisn’t every aching thrust is a delightful collision embodiment in penetration, oh my god you are a fucking relevation stick yr sharpest teeth in me and drink my blood I want you to drink deep there’s a ravenous gleam in your underworld dreams a glittering glistening sanguinary scheme another desecration, another empty grave I want you entombed with room to move you exhume what’s lost in me this haunted house is a haunted home from the bats in my belfry to the catacombs for every room that I am shown there are hidden doorways still unknown there’s something new and good and true in the violence and pain that we agree to fuck the shame, and fuck the dread I want the visions of candy and hell in your head visions of candy and hell in your head, I want the visions of candy and hell in your head visions of candy and hell in your head, I want the visions of candy and hell in your head visions of candy and hell in your head, I want the visions of candy and hell in your head visions of candy and hell in your head, I want the visions of candy and hell in your head get out of yr head and dance with the dead I’m the exquisite corpse plaything in your bed a gleeful object reciprocating lust I will let you break my holes but I won’t let you break my trust cataclysm spills a clitorisn’t every aching thrust is a delightful collision embodiment in penetration, oh my god you are a fucking relevation show me a smile with blood in your teeth and fucking hurt me until I can sleep show me yr knives and explicate lines traced in red along my spine burn me with yr cigarettes hold me closer than yr worst regrets I’m on all fours and all yrs, to wake tomorrow bruised and sore and I have never, ever, ever wanted you more

I’ve arrived at a terminus it is bittersweet to walk away from what you swore you’d keep I had (it was) a long, good stay a labor of love is still labor-intensive and the toll on my soul has been expensive took a chance on me when nobody would kept sight of that, I’ve always tried to do good by you I did what I could three years of work, three years of play, three years of stress and joy and change all dreamers changed by a dream of an improbable scheme three years sentimental held in gleam not who I was and who I am is unsure a version of myself subject to change in the future I need the space to grow, I need to rest and breathe my absence constitutes a long-deserved reprieve so I must leave without grief it’s a relief three years of work, three years of play, three years of stress and joy and change all dreamers changed by a dream of an improbable scheme three years sentimental held in gleam everything ends but you’re still my deer friend, and we are both more ourselves than we have ever been. nothing’s broken, there’s nothing to mend, and I look up to you now as much as I did then. I poured so much love into this thing we built, and I will look back fondly, no regret or guilt. these long late nights filled with cardboard delights gave me a sense of belonging for the first time in my life. the rarest thing is to love and leave on good terms, to walk away and watch nothing burn. I’ll hold this close in my heart, in my heart, in my heart, I’ll hold this close in my heart, in my heart, in my heart, in my heart

I waited at the window for my favorite crow today I lingered in the silence and mourned your song, sweet and unsang it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait I have always loved a strange crow interminable distance and the passage of time conspire in pain that is faultless, no intention unkind I wonder what your life is like and who and how you are lamenting endless days until you’re not so very far and in the summer you fly away every winter, I’m glad you stay I can’t resent the departure, don’t begrudge you the absence I am lonely - lonely all the same it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away it flew away and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait and I will wait I have always loved a strange crow interminable distance and the passage of time conspire in pain that is faultless, no intention unkind I wonder what your life is like and who and how you are lamenting endless days until you’re not so very far all this to say I miss you, and I miss you all the time and if there is someone to blame the blame is surely mine always the one to run away, always the one to hide I always keep my distance and it keeps me up at night

In the dead of night I’m all alone Wide awake until hours unknown But in the dead of night I’m most myself Lost in the machines To all minutiae and absurdities My heart flourishes in the dead of night Do you feel the pulse in the darkness? That silent glittering thing? Even before I had the words for it, I knew that I needed it Intrinsic and essential, precious as blood itself. And I surrendered myself to it, I let it kill me with its teeth and I was happy to let it do it. In fact, it sustains me. In this violence I am reborn to go to such lengths for transcendence, for catharsis. My fangs are sharp and I am so fucking hungry. In the dead of night I’m all alone Wide awake until hours unknown But in the dead of night I’m most myself Lost in the machines To all minutiae and absurdities My heart flourishes in the dead of night

a train departs on a schedule but it often arrives late and if it doesn’t come at all how long should I wait? there’s mileposts and signals that say we’re going nowhere should I be resentful of the way you’ve conducted yourself? oh, Portola I was content to be a fun object on the outskirts of your life but I didn’t expect to be disposed of so abruptly I hoped we had more time in the intersecting orbits of our lives but what brings us together will tear us apart again I don’t believe that it’s malice that’s made you act this way but you’ve left me to guess, so what the fuck am I supposed to think? in yr radio silence I will sing a song of static on an unknown wavelength broadcasting my heartbreak to the spectral oh, Portola you cut me out and deep was it because you knew exactly how I feel? is my love a curse that is too painful to be borne? I wish you trusted me enough to let me know that it was time to leave I would have accepted it, you know I would have understood.

I’m not sorry that I’m not the son you clearly wanted and expected me to be but if I am not your daughter you are not my fucking father I’ve held this anger for so many years my oldest memories of you are of fear I am sick and fucking tired of having to be the one to change every fucking time we fail to see eye to eye I have tried, I have tried to fix things so many times but again and again I just get hurt bitter decades we spent at each other’s throats, pretending everything is okay it’s been two years since we last spoke, but after this there’s nothing left to say I hate being the estranger, I have to believe people can change but there’s no point in a 72nd chance if every broken thing just stays the same pt 2: Blood Pacts they say that blood’s a roux but blood’s a fucking ruse the truest form of family’s the one you choose for you and if your blood’s been good to you then please include them too but when we go our separate ways please know I still love you ties of blood and obligation ties of rarest true affection subject to my stubborn fear of betrayal and loss I can’t do that anymore, it sucks to be what you abhor but self-flagellation’s far less fun than letting you hold the whip who we were who we are now who we become I will always love you they say that blood’s a roux but blood’s a fucking ruse the truest form of family’s the one you choose for you so if your blood’s been good to you then please include them too and despite all the distance, a sense of certain clarity: you mean so fucking much to me all the love, all the blood through lower depths than hell above when shattered stormheart death impends you see me through to better ends if none of this is permanent I’ll accept that and be okay I don’t need to be alone I don’t need to be with you but the love I give is returned threefold and I get to share all of this love with you <3 pt 3: Autumn Funeral there is a cold stillness at the heart of the world a promise of entropy, a promise of loss something severed, buried in the shivers a promise of tomorrow that never delivers there will always be a graveyard there will always be a city recurring in my dreams until I leave the haunted world there will be no reconciling of the living and the dead no second introduction, no blackened blood returns to red and I have carried so much guilt for things I’ve left unsaid and mourned our love in scars as I became my thing of dread I stopped wearing all your makeup I stopped wearing all your clothes ripping wires by the fistful out until the machine froze but the cracks in the mirror still reflect a fractured eye you can’t outrun yourself despite how hard you fucking try I don’t want to romanticize your fist in my face or the way you fucking laughed after you stabbed me in the chest I just wanted closure and now I’ll have to make my own so I will lay pressed petals on your grave I don’t know you anymore but I hope you fucking changed and I will tell you everything I waited too long to say I’m sorry that you can’t respond I’m sorry that I stayed away accept it for what it was I’ve learned to lick my wounds and I have moved on with my life I accept it for what it was I have kept the good parts, this will have to be enough tripartite construction of an explicated theme: what does it mean to be a family? iterations upon trauma with a bleak consistency? impermanent affection aligned by contingency? functions of pain and joy enmeshed in raw complexity? all your friends are rendered strangers and your strangers rendered ghosts but your unexpected spectres are the ghosts you love the most and I will revel in their presence whether distant or held close don’t want to be defined by sorrow // all this has been discontent to dredge regrets // is still life of a dead end strip mining all my oldest pain // all this has been until there’s nothing fucking left // is still life I don’t know where I am going but I hope you come with me down these stranger paths to find out what we’re meant to be when I die, please dissect me give my organs to the people who loved me in an autumn funeral betwixt grey rain and amber leaves a grim and final revelry when I die, please dissect me give my organs to the people who loved me in an autumn funeral betwixt grey rain and amber leaves a grim and final revelry when I die, please dissect me give my organs to the people who loved me in an autumn funeral betwixt grey rain and amber leaves a grim and final revelry

if I like who I am now, did I really waste my life if I’ve arrived at this point? I don’t know. everything I could have left every time I should have stayed every choice I wish I didn’t make or made a different way hides in mirrors haunts and lingers fades and flickers someday leaves you alone all departures (temporary) all departures (permanent) I held the old years close, I let them go all departures (temporary) all departures (permanent) brighter things await, more than you know and in the space between small things hold great meaning until they go, until they go I’ve lived inside my wounds and forged hard armor from my scars but I collapsed under its weight another thing I took too far all I really want to be is something soft and kind and sweet it is a version of myself that I so rarely let you see there is something more and this time I don’t have to scream there is the joyous hope of change, the brightest possibility and when you leave there’s love and grief I hope that you find what you need and all the good things that you don’t see all departures (temporary) all departures (permanent) hold the ones you love, and hold them close all departures (temporary) all departures (permanent) you have always been my favorite ghost and in the space between a murmur and a scream a fond farewell a fond farewell goodbye <3