Autumn Funeral

I’m not sorry that I’m not the son you clearly wanted and expected me to be but if I am not your daughter you are not my fucking father I’ve held this anger for so many years my oldest memories of you are of fear I am sick and fucking tired of having to be the one to change every fucking time we fail to see eye to eye I have tried, I have tried to fix things so many times but again and again I just get hurt bitter decades we spent at each other’s throats, pretending everything is okay it’s been two years since we last spoke, but after this there’s nothing left to say I hate being the estranger, I have to believe people can change but there’s no point in a 72nd chance if every broken thing just stays the same pt 2: Blood Pacts they say that blood’s a roux but blood’s a fucking ruse the truest form of family’s the one you choose for you and if your blood’s been good to you then please include them too but when we go our separate ways please know I still love you ties of blood and obligation ties of rarest true affection subject to my stubborn fear of betrayal and loss I can’t do that anymore, it sucks to be what you abhor but self-flagellation’s far less fun than letting you hold the whip who we were who we are now who we become I will always love you they say that blood’s a roux but blood’s a fucking ruse the truest form of family’s the one you choose for you so if your blood’s been good to you then please include them too and despite all the distance, a sense of certain clarity: you mean so fucking much to me all the love, all the blood through lower depths than hell above when shattered stormheart death impends you see me through to better ends if none of this is permanent I’ll accept that and be okay I don’t need to be alone I don’t need to be with you but the love I give is returned threefold and I get to share all of this love with you <3 pt 3: Autumn Funeral there is a cold stillness at the heart of the world a promise of entropy, a promise of loss something severed, buried in the shivers a promise of tomorrow that never delivers there will always be a graveyard there will always be a city recurring in my dreams until I leave the haunted world there will be no reconciling of the living and the dead no second introduction, no blackened blood returns to red and I have carried so much guilt for things I’ve left unsaid and mourned our love in scars as I became my thing of dread I stopped wearing all your makeup I stopped wearing all your clothes ripping wires by the fistful out until the machine froze but the cracks in the mirror still reflect a fractured eye you can’t outrun yourself despite how hard you fucking try I don’t want to romanticize your fist in my face or the way you fucking laughed after you stabbed me in the chest I just wanted closure and now I’ll have to make my own so I will lay pressed petals on your grave I don’t know you anymore but I hope you fucking changed and I will tell you everything I waited too long to say I’m sorry that you can’t respond I’m sorry that I stayed away accept it for what it was I’ve learned to lick my wounds and I have moved on with my life I accept it for what it was I have kept the good parts, this will have to be enough tripartite construction of an explicated theme: what does it mean to be a family? iterations upon trauma with a bleak consistency? impermanent affection aligned by contingency? functions of pain and joy enmeshed in raw complexity? all your friends are rendered strangers and your strangers rendered ghosts but your unexpected spectres are the ghosts you love the most and I will revel in their presence whether distant or held close don’t want to be defined by sorrow // all this has been discontent to dredge regrets // is still life of a dead end strip mining all my oldest pain // all this has been until there’s nothing fucking left // is still life I don’t know where I am going but I hope you come with me down these stranger paths to find out what we’re meant to be when I die, please dissect me give my organs to the people who loved me in an autumn funeral betwixt grey rain and amber leaves a grim and final revelry when I die, please dissect me give my organs to the people who loved me in an autumn funeral betwixt grey rain and amber leaves a grim and final revelry when I die, please dissect me give my organs to the people who loved me in an autumn funeral betwixt grey rain and amber leaves a grim and final revelry